A Mother’s LOVE Knows No Bounds …

This is a time of profound change for me, and whilst I know that change can be an opportunity to grow – at times, it can also be a lonely and difficult part of life’s journey.

There have been many times in recent months when I’d much rather have curled up in a corner and regressed to being two-years-old, or six years old, or ten years old – in fact, anything other than the world’s mad expectation that I should somehow be an adult.

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I’ve lived my life for as long as I can remember always knowing that regardless of what life may have thrown my way, my mum was never more than an arm’s length away; and, that whatever may come, my mother would, more likely than not, be there for me.  If the truth is told, like most mother and daughter relationships, it hasn’t always been plain sailing between the two of us and we’ve certainly had our fair share of life’s ups and downs.

Yet, when I think of all the times in my life that I had good news to share, and when I recall the name of the person on the top of my call list – my mum’s name was on the top of that list each and every time.IMG_0861

That was also the case with all the incredibly difficult times in my life too. When  I think back on those hard times, it’s my mother’s face and her voice that comes straight into my mind and the reason is simple enough – she was possibly the only person in the world that never totally gave up on me.

There were times when everyone, including myself, had long given up all hope that I would ever find peace and contentment in life but my mother was forever hopeful on my behalf. My mother held the light for me when I could neither hold it or see it for myself.  At the very end of that part of my journey towards self-discovery,  my mother was still there for me – encouraging me to be the person that she knew I could be.

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There were times when I was a truly great daughter but there were also times when I could have been so much better.  The wonder of it all was that my mother loved me anyway.

As we make our way through life, it’s the easiest thing in the world to disconnect from the reality that our parents won’t always be around.  I lost my father 16 years ago this coming December.  I am well aware of how fortunate I was that my son and I were by my father’s side at the end; however, nothing could have prepared me for the loneliness and the regrets that haunted me in the years that followed.

The reason for my remorse was simple enough – I’d been very tight with my time and attention towards my father when he was alive.  I don’t think I ever really connected to the finality of death until it was far too late. About ten years later I was in the room when my partner was speaking to his father on the phone. The joy I heard in the father’s voice when his son phoned him struck me forcefully – so much so that when their telephone conversation was over, my partner was surprised to see me in floods of tears. We only knew one another about six months at the time, and therefore it all felt a bit embarrassing for me; however, I managed to put my pride to one side and to explain my truth to him.  This deluge of emotion came up in me, and I said: “I’d give everything I possess in this world if only I could touch my father’s face and hear his voice again.”

It’s many years later and I’m now attempting to come to terms with releasing my lovely mother.  Sadly for her and our heartbroken family, our strong-willed, determined, kind and loving mother has developed dementia; and despite the best efforts of my brother and me, it’s obvious that our mother now needs full-time residential care.  After my sister’s death last May, at the age of 43, it seemed that the pain of losing her youngest daughter was just too much for my mother; and it pushed her past a point of no return.

I can’t even bear to imagine how painful it must be to lose one’s child, but I know that in my mother’s case, it was just too much for her. As a mother, it’s actually easy for me to understand why my own mother just had to disconnect from that awful reality. Unfortunately, in disconnecting from the pain of reality, my mother was also unknowingly disconnecting from her family and friends too. That’s the downside of detachment – it’s seldom that we get to pick and choose – it tends to be all or nothing.

Those of us who love mum dearly are left with the most awful sense of powerlessness and deep frustration. We are aware that just as we were unable to rescue my sister from her demented existence, we are equally out of our depth when it comes to changing my mother’s perception of reality.

It seems to me that the best we can do now is to shower our mother in love; be the best advocate we can possibly be for her; and, regardless of what the day, hour or moment may bring, we must take life’s challenge to love her unconditionally.  We shall hold the brightest light for her until such time as she finds her way home. Throughout the end stage of this journey, we will continue to love her just as she has never failed to love each of us from the moment that we entered her life. 🙏🏻

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2 Responses to “A Mother’s LOVE Knows No Bounds …

  • Andrew Wilson
    2 years ago

    A lovely message from a truly lovely woman xxx

  • Anne deering
    2 years ago

    So sad but also beautiful. Written by a truly beautiful soul who just wants to do right by everyone Xx

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